from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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