this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
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I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
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Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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