i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
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