Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Randomize
