I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
