I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
