I want to have your abortion
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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