You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
You were trust falling into bushes
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
