My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
