I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
