The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
