just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
