We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
