thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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