I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
