Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
