i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
