there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
