It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Randomize
