i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
