You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
