I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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