Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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