I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Randomize
