can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
So squirting runs in the family.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Randomize
