she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
