sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Randomize
