We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Randomize
