You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
