I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I currently don't understand fingers.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
