I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
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