why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
