Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
