the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
i drank out of a bidet.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
