I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
