i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
