i would punch a child for taco bell
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
