I'm sorry my penis didn't work
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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