DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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