I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
