I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
