Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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