That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
