It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
