if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
