i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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