How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Randomize
