I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize