i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
