No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Randomize
