You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
My day in three words: secret purse cake
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize