I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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