I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
