Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
