dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
