can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
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